"For the warrior, there is no 'better' or 'worse'; everyone
has the necessary gifts for his particular path." Those are the
words of Paulo Coelho. (Thank you to whoever introduced me to
him. Was it Ray?)
I was thinking about those words a week ago Wedneday when
I was having a particularlly rough morning. I was searching
my brain for some words of wisdom and sanity --
at a moment when I was feeling far from wise and sain.
That morning, I wrote a post. I wasn't necessarily
sure that I'd be putting it on my blog, but I needed to get some
thoughts out. They were all lodged inside me like a bear claw
stuck in your chest when you eat it too fast. (Tommy Boy, not me.)
Anyway, I needed desperately to vent and since I couldn't trust
my most intimate thoughts to anyone in the computer lab at ASU,
I vented to an actual computer. It's pretty raw -- I might feel
a little too self conscious to show my face after sharing this --
but what the hell. What's life if you can't be real about it?
Here is where I was that morning:
So, after Napa, school started. I was a nervous wreck beforehand.
But a few good friends reminded me that I had an amazing experience
while taking the previous year off school. No time was wasted. And
they helped me focus on some other important things like this is
where I'm supposed to be right now, I'll get my focus and drive for
school back, and it's OK that I'm a "mature student" on campus. All
the stock best friend responses a girl needs at a time like that. I
know they were right. And I was trying to tell myself all the same
things. Speak them into existence. Get myself out of the funk I
knew I was in.
The first day of school was good. I really felt like I was in the
right place. ASU had not gone through some crazy transformation
while I was gone, but it was, in fact, much like I remembered it. I
was able to find my way around and I "knew the ropes" from the year
I spent there pre-Ireland. I was beginning to see that I wasted all
that energy worrying about nothing. It really is true that the worries
of today only take the strength from tomorrow.
But fast forward three weeks, and I keep asking myself the same
question over and over again. Why am I such a god damn mess? I
have the focus of a teetsy fly. I can't seem to get on top of any
course work, always finishing the bare minimum at the last minute.
And lately even that has been challenged. I am completely distracted
at all times. And every day that goes by, I feel more and more
immobilised. Like I just can't make my arms move and my eyes shift
across the page so I can do my reading so I can type my papers...I
have this application due in two days that is really important and
the biggest thing I've been able to do about it is finally mention
it in typed form on this post.
I'm questioning what I want to do with my life. Is it still
journalism? Which seems like a stupid question considering there
is absolutely no backup plan. That's really all I've ever wanted
to do since high school. And I was so sure -- so sure -- just a
handful of months ago. And I'm suddenly now feeling this fear
that I won't be able to get into the program or stay competitive
enough in it once I'm there. It's all ridiculous even as I type
it. I want to do something. Something real that makes some kind
of difference in this crazy world of ours. Something that I can
feel good about and that will help other people feel good. Some-
thing that holds people accountable and makes the world a better
place in some small way, even if only for a few people. That
sounds ridiculous, frivolous. It's not specific. It's like what a
dreamer says. Or the kid of a rich ass family. I need some specific
goals here -- I mean, what am I waiting for here? To be in my 40's?
I've had the conversation in my head a hundred times that talks me
out of this nonsensical line of thought, but I can't seem to get
my brain from there to where it's functioning on a normal level that
really moves and gets the shit done that needs to get done for me
to move forward with this.
Unfortunately, I've felt like this before -- Not all the same
particulars, but the same overall feeling of being frozen and totally
overwhelmed and on the verge of complete panic that I can't seem
to vocalise or find a solution to. So, I'm skimming through my two
and a half years of therapy in my head...It looks like an old
projector movie on a fast setting where most of the words are
inaudible but occasionally a cluster of words will come out
clearly. I'm looking for those nuggets of truth and strength,
something to help me identify what the fuck is wrong with me.
Something to help me lift myself out of this. Something to get
me motivated mentally, physically. To know what I want and to
know that I can have it. Something that explains why I feel a
little bit like I'm losing my mind right this very second.
And I'm having a hard time. Meanwhile, I would give almost anything
to make the entire world stop for like three days so I could cry and
write and think and get myself into a better place without getting
even further behind and without having to admit to anyone else this
is where I am and how I'm feeling. I mean, I'm 29 years old. I have a
wonderful, supportive husband. I work like ten hours a week. I'm only
taking 13 credits. And I've been on the verge of tears for the past
two and a half weeks. What the hell is wrong with me?
The thing is no one can say or do anything to help. I just have to
get past this totally weird phase I'm going through. I have to pull
my fucking self out of it. I don't even want anyone to say anyting.
I just wanted to admit it and get it out there and say some of these
things out loud that I'm almost too ashamed to think inside the
privacy of my own head. Because maybe if it's out there, I'll finally
be able to deal with it and make some progress instead of sitting
here stiff armed and numb and crying.
How's that for unzipping, raw, honest truth? Ain't no sugar coating
there. I figured it would be fake and dishonest to have a blog where I
post about our life without noting what has been a very shitty month
inside my head.