Saturday, December 08, 2007

Pissed Off

WARNING: If you're not down for some raw
negetivity and a lot of swearing, don't read on.
I am so not looking for a pep talk or a pity party.
Just need to vent and this is the only
place I felt like doing it.

That being said...

I'm fucking pissed at myself right now. I totally
suck. I have never felt as badly about a final as
I do about last nights French final, and what's
even worse is that it shouldn't have been that
fucking hard. I've been studying and typing notes
all semester, working really hard on this class.
I have the most amazing teacher, and every
chance to do well in this class. She even gave us
study guide that had I spent more fucking time
on, I could have easily pulled off a better grade.
I needed to review and practice the first four
chapters and then really study the last one,
since I hadn't spent much time on it at all with
everything else I've been doing. All I needed to
do was take a couple hours every day for a week
or two to pull together a comprehensive study
guide and then review it daily, verbally and in
writing. I am certain that process would have
gotten me a good grade. And the thing is, that's
what I have always done before finals -- I always
put in lots of study time. I always let everything
else slide to put all of my attention on studying --
laundry, cleaning, social, errands -- I don't do
any of that for at least a week, if not two, before
the end of the semester. But I didn't do that this
time, and I am feeling so frustrated with myself
for that. I generally do not cram at all - it doesn't
work for me. My brain does not learn that way,
and I know it. Especially with French! You cannot
cram for a foreign language exam. I know this. What
did I do this time? Everything else under the sun
besides studying, and I knew I was doing it, and it
was making me feel grouchy, resentful and warn out.
I really did myself a disservice on this one, and I
guess I'm saying it outloud to work through it so
I can process my feelings and remember not to ever,
ever, ever do this to myself again. I'm pretty stressed
about what this will do to my grade. I had a really
solid A- going into the final. (That's not the best grade
but for me in a foreign language class - I would have
happily taken it.) The exam is worth 20% of my end
grade though. Damnit, I hope I didn't just totally fuck
myself. What the fuck was I fucking thinking?
It just doesn't make any sense -- and the thing is I
knew some of the stuff I got wrong because I had
myself so stressed out that I couldn't even think.
Freaking out is something you just cannot do during
a final. I broke all the rules for this one, and I do not
think I'm going to like the end result one bit. What
a ridiculous performance by someone who should
know better all the way around. God fucking damnit.
I so wish I could have a do over, but that's not how
it works. I guess the good thing is that I had a good
grade in the class going in. WTF? I just can't believe
I did this. It was fucking unnecessary. I feel so filled
with regret and frustration. You know, I've really
been working on not procrastinating for the last year,
and I have also been trying to prioritise so that I
spend my time on the things that are actually
important to me. School is absolutely a priority
to me, above most other things actually, and I
just didn't treat it like that with this final.
I'm feeling a little less angry now -- maybe moving
on to a heavy disappointment, which frankly, doesn't
feel good. Hmm. Perhaps these are stages of processing.
I think I was in denial last night -- came home and
drank a half a bottle of wine over a few taped episodes
of Jeopardy. Not the prettiest picture, I know,
but right now, it's mine, and so it is what it is.
I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I wasn't
-- BUT onward and upward I go. There are more
finals to prepare for, and I need to turn my
attention to the postive and the productive.
What's done is done. My shameful effort has
been planted. I can't control the outcome.
I just have to wait and see what I get.
Fuck, that sucks. But it's the deal, Lucille.

Deep breath.

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